Clarity

I am fascinated by the stars, especially this time of year.  The seasons are beginning to change and a crisp, coolness is in the breeze.  The air is welcomed by my lungs.  The night skies are cloudless and the moon shines bright.  If spring is to new beginnings then fall is to reflection.  And, gazing up to that sky, I am doing just that.

Earlier this year, after being unable to answer the question in the New Year’s message “What did you do with 2010,” I determined to climb out of the pity-hole I had dug for myself.   I wasn’t going to let life pass me by.  Shortly after, I found myself at a decision point in a series of circumstances I had labeled “From God” merely because they were what I wanted to do and I had justified it was all for a good purpose.  Yet, when it came to making the decision to move forward, I heard a distinct “No.”  Instead of following that instruction, I pushed the mute button and talked over it, rationalizing how it was good for me to do and also good for God, claiming that obviously all of the events leading to it weren’t just strange coincidences.  I enjoyed what I would be saying yes to do, I would be serving, and I would be getting involved in a group with others--the reasons I told myself yes were as good as they were limitless.

As I went forward with my decision, I faced tough consequences.  I found myself in situations I hadn’t encountered in years.  When put to the test repeatedly, repeatedly I failed.  When I had the chance to show strength, my witness was weak.  I desperately wanted the friends and family feeling I had been coveting, but even while in their presence, still I felt like an outsider.  Though I tried so badly outwardly to fit in, I was still inwardly different.  Labeled as quiet, I would watch and listen, seeing what I thought I needed to be but knowing that it didn’t match who I was or what God had brought me up to be.  I shed tears.  I had my heart crushed…But, God.

Back to present, staring in this starry expanse, I see His glory.  I see the face in the moon, understanding and not critical, and I hear the words “All this I tried to keep from you.”  And letting the night breeze blow across my face, I have clarity.  How one simple “Yes” took my life down a series of steps I wasn’t supposed to have taken--pain that could have been avoided, character that could have remained in-tact.  Where I had seen only one small choice, a Yes or No to one simple thing, He had seen the downward spiral that would eventually unwind.  Yet, right here standing in His majesty, I smile, realizing He also knew I would come now to this very moment, closer to Him than ever before.   

True to His Word, He works all things out for the good of those whom believe in Him.  Although disobedient, He took that Yes that should have been a No and my subsequent repentance and has put me back on His path.  Through this experience, I was able to get to know more of those whom I was serving and have since filled other needed roles.  He has placed me in positions where I can be true to myself and not compromising.  Faces now have names.  I am greeted with hugs.  I now have younger brothers and sisters, mothers, fathers, and friends.  I laugh with them.  I talk serious with them.  I teach.  I learn.  I grow.  And with God, I go on.  I’m back to where I started six months ago, but further down the road, equipped with yet another testament to His unlimited supply of grace and mercy which He continues to pour out on a wretch like me.  I once was blind, but now I see.